Catching Up with the Girls

It’s been a year since the last time I met my friends here in Jeddah. We do it every time I go back to Jeddah either in my house or in someone’s house. But this year we did it differently. We gathered in one of the biggest malls in the city. Yes, that was our first experience — at least MY first experience — to meet up with a large group of friends in THE mall. Strangely enough, though I’ve lived here for almost 15 years, malls and cafes had not been a place to mingle with friends — and I’m talking about the situation prior to the year 2000. There were only few malls and you wouldn’t be able to see a group of Arab teens spending their time window shopping or gossiping in a cafe like you can see nowadays. In those days, people go out with their family. If you want to meet with your friends, then invite them over to your house or go to their houses. I don’t know, perhaps the situation did not allow us — young women — to do that (i.e. go out freely) and although my parents were very open, some parents were quite strict in giving permissions to their daughters to go out without them (while their sons could do whatever they wished). I remember that back then, school was the most exciting place ever — not to acquire a knowledge — but to meet with my friends. Because I wouldn’t be able to do it anywhere, except at school. I did remember going out to a game arena (like Timezone in Indonesia) but only with a few of my friends whose parents were not very strict. And I saw very very few Arab teens went there without their parents. I was still in Junior High School, around 1998-1999.

And now… the situation is very different. As soon as a number of fancy malls were built, more parents are becoming less strict and more young women are surfacing from the “underground” . It just feels weird; with only “that” small change, everything around us is transforming (as I have mentioned in previous posts): abaya is getting tighter and more colourful with variety of styles, men and women are less segregated (e.g. they can go out together in the mall without fearing somebody will ask them if they’re husband & wife), and the society (who once quite ignorance about fashion, compared to Indonesians) is getting more aware about the importance of the latest fashion and style. It’s more colourful, I have to say. And that’s what my friends and I discussed when we met up the other day. Women of this society has been surpressed for YEARS, so once they get a little bit of freedom, no one can ever control it. With Muttawa, the religious police, been given a limited power by the government, anything that once a hush hush and taboo are becoming more common. This includes going out with a guy who is not in your family. Even dating is becoming common (but of course it’s less obvious compared to Indonesia). Few years ago, a guy would approach a girl by giving her a business card from a certain distance. But today, such method is old fashion. According to my friend, a guy nowadays would come to you and ask you straight away if you want to be with him or not. You need to understand that Saudi Arabia is a very segregated society; men and women have very little opportunity to know each other. So the only thing they can do is to approach some strangers in the malls. I know it’s weird, how can you date someone you don’t know? But hey, that’s how they do it.

Marriage was perhaps the most exciting thing to talk about. A number of my friends of my age have recently married and what made me embarassed was: I was the last person to know about it. Some of them even already have children. I never pictured myself I would marry someone in such a young age. I’m sure my mom would be very happy hahaha. Anyway, my friends and I then talked about marriage proposals. Out of 11 people, only 3 of us (including me) were raised as “Indonesians”. You may wonder what the hell I’m talking about, but my point is that: my parents barely brought Saudi culture into our house. Although we have practically lived here all over lives, Indonesian culture has always been the centre of our lives. But some people — like my friends — who were mostly born in Saudi Arabia, have practiced and been used to Saudi’s way of lives ever since they were born (although… yes, they are Indonesians and they do have Indonesian passports). So they do marriage proposals just like Saudi people do. I always heard stories about the proposal from my mom or my mom’s friends, but I never heard them from a person who has actually experienced it. So that’s why I (and the other 2 “Indonesian” friends) was very curious about it.

The marriage process is no different to the process that I’ve explained in the previous post about Saudi wedding. Mothers are the main informants. They are the one who would recommend a girl to the son. The son then come to the girl’s house to meet her parents to discuss if the parents agree with the marriage or not. If they agree, then they’ll ask their daughter to come out and meet her possible future husband. So instead of “just” seeing the photo of his future wife, the guy can actually see her — face to face. This was the part that I didn’t know. I thought the guy would never see the girl until the marriage ceremony took place. But my friend told me that some families are still quite conservative, so they only give the photo of their daughter to the guy who would marry her. Anyway, back to the part where the daughter meet the guy for the first time… My friends told me that the girl must dress and present herself “honestly” to the guy; because that would be the first and last time they meet before they married (if both sides agree). There was an odd incident; one girl wore a coloured contact lens when she met her future husband. When they eventually married, the husband discovered that his wife’s eyes were not the same like the first day they met. He divorced her right away (!?!?!). I know, it sounds so crazy. I couldn’t believe it when I first heard the story. But apparently, there’re many other stories like this. So when I asked my friends what they usually wore during the meeting with the guy, they said that they wore simple dress with light make-up and shoes with reasonable height. They don’t wear abayas. Not even headscarves. During this first meeting, they would usually talk with the guy for few minutes (with or without the present of their parents) then rush back to their own rooms. The purpose of the meeting itself is to let the guy see how his future wife looks like. Then if the guy approves, he will give the ring to the girl straight away; whether or not the girl will approve the marriage. The answer (rejection or approval) will usually be informed within 2 weeks. The girl is entitled to the ring. So if she rejects him, then — according to my friend — the ring will not be returned. My friend, who has done this process for MANY times, told me that she sold all the rings given to her. Hehehe .

Isn’t it quite “frustrating” to be a man here? He does not only need a large amount of money for the wedding but also for the number of rings that he purchases. Not to mention the house (which needs to be available for the newlyweds to live), furnitures, and other matters. He is responsible for all of them. In Indonesia, parents would take care all of the expenses. But in Saudi Arabia, it’s totally different.

Hff.. I think I have to stop here. This post is too long .