Independent Woman

Is there something wrong with being independent?

Most of my friends said I’m independent. Hmm I’d probably agree with them. Being away from my parents since I was 15 years old has transformed myself from a shy unsociable dependent girl to a talkative (hmm maybe LOUD is better ) independent person. The situation back in High School forced me to do so. I have to do everything by myself; from shopping, handling money, til looking after my house in Jkt. My school (and the dorm where I usually lived in) is located in Parung, Bogor. It took me about 2 hours to go there from South Jakarta, but 3 hours or more if there’re traffic jams . I usually went back and forth from school to my house every 2 weeks or every month. I forced myself to go home by public transport (angkot!) alone although it was soooooooooo scary (I have to say, it’s scarier than public transports in jkt!). Brrr… My rules were quite simple: MUST pray from the moment you depart til you arrive, NEVER fall asleep, NEVER put money inside your wallet, NEVER wear any jewelries, ALWAYS wear simple and unattractive dress, and switch off your mobile ANYTIME! Hahahaha.. So that’s how scared I really was.

I think the other reason of me being independent is how my parents are treating me. I have to say that they have a SIGNIFICANT trust in me. My parents never know how much exactly my school tuitions were and who my friends “really” are (the smokers, the drug users, whatever!). They trust me that I could distinguish between the rights and the wrongs, so they’d never feel worry about it. I’m also the type of person who doesn’t like to explain every detail of my problems to others, even my parents. So they hardly know what problems I have; they only know the “happy” stories of mine. They think that I can handle most problems I face. So whenever I told them I have this kind of problem, they’ll give me advice, but they let me do what I can first. And if things do not go as we expected, they’ll ask others to help me (if I’m hundreds miles away from them!).

Take for example, my “hard work” to study in Australia. I was the only one who managed all the visa and university application. From deciding which city I want to study in, finding information on the best University, deciding whether I have to stay in the student accommodation/apartment, till going through the visa process. My parents weren’t in Jakarta, so I had to go through all the application process by myself. I frequently went back and forth to IDP by bus. Thank God the people in IDP were very helpful that time!! The only job my dad has to do was signing a signature for all the forms! hahaha.. So he had to come to Jakarta for few days only for that purpose. LOL. But yeah, if I think of it, I’m happy that my parents treat me like that. And if I see how my friends are treated by their parents, I’m quite lucky and grateful that I have a freedom to choose everything and anything I want, as long as it’s useful and affordable .

The good thing about being independent (emotionally, physically, and mentally) is that, you don’t expect other people are responsible for taking care of your life. You know your own mind better than anyone else; you have a faith in yourself and you’re optimist. You’ll try as best as you can to do everything by yourself, and if you think you can’t do it, you’ll ask them for a help. I notice how most of my friends act when they have some sort of problems. They give up too fast; it seems they’re really sure that they are not able to do it. But the problem is: they haven’t even tried it. They let others do everything for them, even the smallest things you could ever imagine!

BUT the good thing is not always good when it becomes some sort of “passion”. I observe how unwilling I am to ask other people for a favour. There's a sense of guilt when I have to ask them for help. I knew that they would be very happy to do everything for me, but I don't know… there's always been a feeling of guiltiness. Always. I also turned out to be less caring to others. I honestly don’t like to give a damn on other people’s business. I try to build a strong wall that distinguish my personal life from others. It’s a good thing, of course. But for some reasons, I couldn’t control it. It became sort of habit or something… My friends always tell me how they want to be independent.. but once you’re in it, it’s very hard to control it. I’m trapped!

It seems that my independence works really good with my other behaviour and attitudes. I’m careless. I don’t really pay that much attention about other people, especially their lives. I love to be in my room all day. I rarely hang out with my friends these days. I love to do shopping by myself. Sometimes I prefer to sit alone in the lectures. I don’t like to ask my friend’s personal life in detail, unless he/she approaches me. I hate paying attention to small things. I’m definitely not good at “basa-basi”. I feel so hard to express my concern to other people. I can be very quiet if I wanted to. I love simple things. And the list still goes on… Hmm I wonder… is that a sign of individualism??

I realize these things after I moved into the apartment (current). Previously I lived in the student accommodation, so I have a chance to meet and talk with people every single day. But now it’s really different. I’m “trapped” in my room everyday. The Uni life also supports my independence, makes it more extreme. It’s like, the whole world is mine. And I’m enjoying it. But as the time passes, I become so worried. I realize that it will put me into trouble! My closed friends know that well. Jenny always tell me: “I like you when you’re not in front of the computer.” Hehehe. I agree with her. She’s a very caring person. She’s like: the opposite of me! Sometimes I feel sorry for her and mayuko (both of them are my housemates), coz I don’t think I express my concern as much as they express their concerns to me. I feel like it’s not balance. And I do feel so bad.

And I think, most men prefer dependent women. Am I right, or am I right? Hehehe. They want to feel needed and to be taken care of. Well, not only men to be honest. Every individual want to feel that too. I had no problem with that, three or four years ago. I feel like I was better that time than I’m now. My ex once discussed about the issue regarding my independence with me, and unfortunately my mind was very narrow that time. So I wasn't really agreed with him. Although he didn't really care about it, I came to understand that somewhat he's true. Err… am I too late to think about this???

But yeah, I've spent most of my "valuable" time this whole year fixing myself — what needs to be kept and what needs to be left. And so far I'm happy with it; although it’s a bit hard to get used to something you have never done for ages, I can handle it. I try to be more caring to other (although I notice it’s a bit odd!). I’m still in the process of “changing” myself… so i need a lil bit of time for that.

I also don't want to throw away my independence — I try to be in the middle. I believe that women should not be too dependent to others especially their husbands. Come on, this is life. You can't expect everything to be so smooth. Things might never be the same. What happen if you divorce? Or your husband dies on (let say) plane crash? You have no choice, you have to continue to live and support your life financially. Hmm I don't know, that's what I think.